Would I do things differently?

In my hypnagogic state, I would swear upon every dancing grass in the fields that I saw you. Did I try to reach out for you? I must have. Because when I awoke proper, my arms were outstretched, grasping at your fading apparition.


Its always like that isn't it? I'm always the one doing the reaching-out; the cautious one, endlessly excluding and censoring certain words in fear of scaring you away, or appearing too straightforward or in-too-deep.

Was I scared that you might think me weak? Perhaps. But you never seemed comfortable with pronouncements of love and these I had suppressed. But how long shall I be able to do so? If I do not utter them somehow, would I forget how to do it when I'm allowed to? If I continue to withhold these declarations behind my lips, would it show in my eyes instead? Would that, in its debased state, still cause you discomfort?

If I knew this was the last time I would speak to you, would I speak these words that I've always kept hidden? Would I gather the courage to touch your hand, just lightly, just to satisfy my dreams of long before? Or would I sit, transfixed, and do what I've been doing - stealing sidelong glances, biting my lips to prevent the words from spilling, keeping my eyes down in case you could decipher it? Would I be bold enough to say "I've loved you; too much and too deep and too long and that is why I have to leave" and really actually leave? Or would I choose to be silent and stay instead, just a while longer, just to hope harder, that you may say it first?