Housekeeping

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Would I do things differently?

In my hypnagogic state, I would swear upon every dancing grass in the fields that I saw you. Did I try to reach out for you? I must have. Because when I awoke proper, my arms were outstretched, grasping at your fading apparition.


Its always like that isn't it? I'm always the one doing the reaching-out; the cautious one, endlessly excluding and censoring certain words in fear of scaring you away, or appearing too straightforward or in-too-deep.

Was I scared that you might think me weak? Perhaps. But you never seemed comfortable with pronouncements of love and these I had suppressed. But how long shall I be able to do so? If I do not utter them somehow, would I forget how to do it when I'm allowed to? If I continue to withhold these declarations behind my lips, would it show in my eyes instead? Would that, in its debased state, still cause you discomfort?

If I knew this was the last time I would speak to you, would I speak these words that I've always kept hidden? Would I gather the courage to touch your hand, just lightly, just to satisfy my dreams of long before? Or would I sit, transfixed, and do what I've been doing - stealing sidelong glances, biting my lips to prevent the words from spilling, keeping my eyes down in case you could decipher it? Would I be bold enough to say "I've loved you; too much and too deep and too long and that is why I have to leave" and really actually leave? Or would I choose to be silent and stay instead, just a while longer, just to hope harder, that you may say it first?

Parte Tres - Sumithra

(Before reading this, it'd be good to read Parte Una and Parte Dos first; even if you have already read them, just to refresh your memory. I know its been forever but I promise it won't take as long now. Enjoy!)

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Oh God, what time is it now? Raj was supposed to pick me up an hour ago. Tapping my fingers on my desk, I wondered if I should call him. He sounded so distant earlier, it made me worried. But that was how things are with Raj - blowing hot and cold ever so often. Sometimes, I feel as if I never knew him at all. I sighed, deciding not to put too much thought into it.

My phone beeped and I read the message:

"Hey. Something came up. I'd probably meet you later at night for dinner. Sorry babe."


Sighing for the second time in a matter of minutes, I gathered my stuff and called a cab.

Sitting in the cab with old songs playing in the background, I was grateful that the driver wasn't one of those who felt obliged to make conversation. I certainly wasn't in the mood for it. Being with Raj has been one of the strangest things to ever happen to me. I can't say for sure what attracted me to him. I first met him at an opening of a new club when I was 20. He was 22 then and he was with his group of friends and I was with mine. Every other guy was getting high and was making passes at girls but Raj actually looked like he'd rather be anywhere else that night but there. Throughout the night, I didn't see him dancing with any girl and he was gone even before midnight. I felt drawn to him. He seemed so... broken. Like he was in need of someone. I was intrigued by him and asked one of the guys he came with:

"Hey! Where's your friend?"
"Which one?"
"The one who looked like he was forced here."
"Haha that has to be Raj. He's not much of a party animal. And he was forced here tonight. Interested?"
"Just wondered when I'd see him again, thats all."
"Don't worry. I'm pretty drawn to your friend as well" - tilting his head towards Megha, grinning - "I'd plan something soon."
"Thats great. See you then."

A week or two later, the four of us had dinner together and that was when I actually talked to him. He was pretty quiet during dinner but when Megha and Jay (Raj's friend) went off for a walk, he talked a bit more. I guess he felt like he had to say something since there was only the 2 of us left. He asked me stuff about myself and what I did but it was pretty generic questions. He seemed so distant and uninterested. I feared that I may come across as nosy but the question was playing in my mind since that night at the club so I asked him:

"Are you hurting?"

He seemed shocked at my question and actually looked me straight in the eye for the first time that night.

"And what makes you think that?"
"I dunno. You just seem ... not okay."
He gave a sinister laugh and said "You don't know shit about me."
I was shocked at his response. "Yes I realize that. I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry about miss."

There was an awkward silence after that but soon, Jay and Megha came back smiling and the guys dropped us home. I was certain that I would not see Raj anytime soon after how the night went but a month later I got a call around midnight and it was Raj.

"Sumithra?"
"Yeah. Who's this?"
"Rajesh....Raj. Jay's friend. Remember me?"
"Oh. Yeah yeah i do. Whats up?" I sat up, the sleep disappearing fast.
"Do you wanna go for supper?"
"Now?"
"Erm yeah. I was just driving around and I happen to be around your area."
"Oh. Okay then. I'll be ready in 15."
"Okay. See you then."

So we went for supper and I was curious as to why Raj wanted to go for supper with me, even if he said he was around my area. That wasn't a good enough reason right? We ate in silence and we drove around for a bit after that. Raj then parked the car at some forsaken place, wound down the windows and started talking.

"This is going to be awkward. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since you asked if I was hurting. Truth is, I am. And no one has ever been bold enough to ask me. And I wanted to apologize for being so harsh on you that night."

"Oh. Right. Thats okay." I was at a loss for words.

I expected him to speak some more but he didn't. He seemed pretty disturbed. We sat in silence for awhile and then he started the engine and sent me home. He was unlike anyone I've ever met and I held on if only to see what was in store.

Its been 3 years now and we got engaged recently. It was more of because-its-the-next-step kind of thing instead of i-can't-wait-to-marry-you kind of thing. Raj wasn't the romantic kind and mostly, I was fine with it. But it still hurt when I agreed to the engagement and he sounded more grateful than happy.

Raj rarely opened up or spoke about himself but I love him just the same. He likes helping people and is compassionate and genuinely caring that it was hard not to. Occasionally he would say that I had saved him, that he was glad I was with him, that I understand him. But he never explained what he meant and I never asked. I just went along with it, hoping one day he would blurt it all out but its been years now and I'm still in the dark.



For the second time today, I wonder if I know him at all.

Night-time Rings

As I lay awake in bed, the phone pressed to my ear, a smile slowly formed on my face & i could feel the warmth spreading through my heart to my toes & fingers. I turned on my side, transferring the phone to the other ear so that both sides would be blessed with your soft, deep voice. I listened to you talk & although it was about the most mundane things, I knew that nothing could be more interesting at the moment.

I let you speak while I punctuated your lines with "hmm" or "yeah". Closing my eyes while your voice resonated in my head, I let my mind wander & soon, was a spectator.

Hovering above my bed, I see myself pressed against you while one of your arms draped over me lazily. You spoke ino my ear and teasingly bit it while I tried to cover them. When you laughed, it vibrated through both our bodies. I rested my hand on your arm while your other arm stroked my hair. It went on for awhile...

"Hello? You there?"

"Huh? Yeah. Yes I'm here," I replied, coming down to ground.
I grabbed the phone tighter.

Till again

Take your time, I said. Go out there, meet new people, find someone who makes you smile (more than me), find yourself. And I smiled bravely.


Thanks for understanding, you say.

Hmm sure. (Anything for you)


And that was that. You fluttered away like a butterfly, while I stood there, the flower that stayed behind, wondering when I'll see you again.





(If I will see you again)